Goldilocks And The Three Bears - Milton Keynes Theatre

Roll up, roll up for the best panto ever.  If someone asked me for what I want in my perfect panto – Goldilocks And The Three Bears has it all.  I love magic – it has magic.  I love a tap dance – it has a tap dance (with three bears no less!).  It has acrobats that can limbo under fire.  It has great music.  It feels more like Las Vegas with its lights and showgirls than Milton Keynes.  But Milton Keynes should sparkle and this show feels proud to be in Milton Keynes with two songs mentioning our fabulous city.  I absolutely adored this panto and can say with confidence this is the best panto I have ever seen.

Although loosely based on Goldilocks And The Three Bears, the story is actually about two rival circuses.  Billy Barnum runs a cruelty free circus with help from his daughter, Goldie and his mother, Dame Betty.  But the bad Baron Von Blackheart has animals in cages, scary clowns and wants to be the best circus, not by merit but by stealing the deeds to the Barnum’s.

Brian Conley is Billy Barnum and he brings everything to the show.  He is the show, so if you love Brian, you will love this.  He is warm, funny, down to earth and we feel we know him.  There are so many nods of Brian in the show, so not only do you get great singing and lots of laughs, but also nods to EastEnders, ‘it’s a puppet’ and Dangerous Brian, I mean Billy being squeezed into Blackheart’s box.  (Hey stop making your own jokes up!).  But of all the nods to Brian’s talents, I loved him coming out on a bike that flies over the audience and saying his famous quote of ‘Where we’re going, we don’t need roads’. (Brian recently took the part of Doc in Back To The Future).  Another funny moment was Brian coming on stage as Liam Gallagher.  Truly hilarious.  When Brian says if you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit… and you can finish this then Brian says you are really old! I did laugh because if you are not Gen X it’s likely you will not know that advert.  I honestly wish this panto was being recorded because I would buy a DVD of it. It’s a masterclass in panto.  

Goldilocks is played by Brian’s real life daughter, Lucy Conley.  Lucy is multi-talented.  She has a lovely singing voice and her acting makes her the perfect Goldie, but she is so much more than that.  Her comic timing is fantastic and she wrote two of the songs in the show.  Such a talent.

Baron Von Blackheart is played by Gary Milner.  He is an accomplished performer but this is his first ever panto and what a great baddie he is.  The Baron has a German accent but at points in the show he jumps into other accents for his disguises including a brilliant Brummie one.  Alright Bab.  Oh, and he doesn’t like you booing him.  He likes to be hissed.  He likes to be hissed a lot.  

Dame Betty Barnum is played by David Robbins who is a veteran of all things Dame.  Not only is he stealing the scenes with his amazing outfits (I believe one was lampshades), but I counted at least 10 changes.  I wonder what the record is for Dame outfit changes in a panto?  If you love celebrity traitors there is a small nod to it.  When Billy and Goldie both dress as Claudia  as a disguise and then Dame Betty come along as the third traitor and is dressed as…. Alan Carr.  She even gives the same lines that he spoke in the show.  Oscar worthy performance from David for that alone!

As I have already said, this show boasts an amazing talented cast.  The three bears are Daddy Bear (Joshua Lay), Mummy Bear (Lauren Bimson) and the wonderful Baby Bear (Charlotte Pourret).  All three have very distinct voices and I loved how their bear tummies jiggle a little.  They are cuddly, cute and no bear could do any better.  These three are just right.  The Amazing Mysterioso (Phil Hitchcock) had me gasping in awe of his magic, but especially the ball and hoop trick…but with fire.  The ball was on fire and going through the hoop.  Just amazing.  I loved him talking to the dove and it turned around when he mentioned it facing the wrong way.  Spectacular!

The circus tumblers are the Timbuktu Tblers and they were very flexible and could not only climb up high but also limbo very low.  And once again I am in awe watching someone limbo over a fire pole so low, I just cannot believe my eyes that he does it.  It’s truly that amazing.  On top of that there are there are elephants, giraffes, Brian walking high wire, some beautiful show girls in outfits that would give Vegas a run for its money.  It feels like a panto for grown ups although the kids will love it too.

Its funny, its clever, it’s an extravaganza of a panto.  As the panto says ‘There’s so much to see here in Milton Keynes’. It’s really the BEST. PANTO. EVER!

Goldilocks And The Three Bears is in Milton Keynes Theatre until 11 January 2026.